God Only Knows | Feat. Joel Smallbone
I’ve had a lot of conversations about God this year. I suppose there’s nothing like a year full of death, unemployment, wildfires, and murder hornets to make you wonder about who is actually in charge. LOL! Actually…..these conversations began long before 2020.
For me, these conversations started in 2013, when my (now ex) husband surprised me with the news that he “loved me, but was not in love with me.”I didn’t want a divorce, so I went on a massive fix-it spree. I read self-improvement books. I saw counselors 3-4 times a week. I learned about football, so I could watch games with him. Whatever he was interested in…I became interested in. I threw every chip I had down on this marriage.
Since I had grown up in church, I figured God might be my insurance policy, in case my efforts failed. For the first time in years...I started praying. I asked every spiritual person I knew to pray as well. I made a lot of new friends…all Christians. We had soooo many conversations about God and how He clearly would want this marriage to stay intact.
Except, He didn’t.
Despite a few years of a seemingly miraculous restoration of the relationship, I was surprised (again) with the same news at the end of 2017. I did all the same things…prayed all the same prayers…except, this time, I had other conversations, too...with friends and family who had known me longer than my ex had. They had the benefit of the big picture and helped me see that in trying so hard to win my ex over...I had abandoned my authentic self...and this was actually a bigger tragedy than letting go of a toxic relationship. Maybe I had to take a chance and let go of something familiar…so I could heal and eventually fly into the new horizons that I was meant for.
From the moment I walked away...I started to experience and feel love from all directions and in ways that I had never imagined that love could or would show up for me. It was like this gentle, invisible safety net that carried me through every difficult situation that would come up...even when I caused those situations.
My conversations about God slowly changed. I wasn’t obsessing about how to pray the right words to get God to do what I want.
Now, I was stepping back to appreciate this extraordinary display of love and provision in my life. These were conversations of wonder, gratitude, and a deep relief that I didn’t need to transform myself into some other version that I thought people would accept or admire. I was already loved unconditionally, without having to DO anything. After trying so hard (and failing) to get another person to love me, I could finally relax and just be myself…knowing that I am loved, held, and carried through everything.
It was so much...easier...than I had ever imagined.
That peace and love has carried me through the worst (so far) of what 2020 has thrown at me. There have been more losses, but I’m oddly grateful for them. I’m thankful that the things that were “taken away” gave me room to breathe…..and the clearest vision I have ever enjoyed. As I accept love and grace and learn to live in it….. I feel more at ease giving it to others.
Of all my recent conversations about God. This one with Joel Smallbone, of the band, For King and Country, has been one of my favorites. It’s all about grace, empathy and this love that’s hard to explain, so it must be experienced. I hope you enjoy it.
